Recognizing the Signs of Abuse in Relationships: A Trauma-Informed Guide

Written By Jenna Fiello

DISCLOSURE: We would like to note that some of the information included in this post may be triggering for some individuals. As much as we believe knowledge is power, we recognize there may be information in this post that may help other’s recognize that they are experiencing abusive behaviours, and that can feel overwhelming. We encourage you to read with caution, and to connect with support if necessary. There are additional resources included in this blog post for safety.

“Why Do They Stay…”

Abuse in relationships isn’t always easy or obvious to spot, especially when it doesn’t fit the stereotypical picture we’ve been taught to expect. We see it in media and read about it in books, but it can be hard to recognize in real life—especially if you’re the one who’s in it yourself. Abuse is often subtle, slow-building, and wrapped in moments of affection or “normalcy,” which makes it even harder to identify. For those who have experienced trauma in the past, abusive behaviours may even feel familiar, making them more difficult to recognize.

In this blog post, we want to provide a trauma-informed approach to help other’s better understand abuse and meet themselves with compassion. Ultimately, our goal is to remove shame from the conversation and focus on safety and well-being.

couple holding hands on desk wearing sweaters

What is Considered Abuse?

Abuse is a pattern of behaviours used to control, intimidate, or harm another person. Most people think of abuse as strictly physical harm, but it comes in many other forms. It can also show up in more insidious ways in the emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, financial, or digital realms. Some of these signs exist separate from one another, while others coexist and are used together. All of these forms of abuse share one thing in common: they strip away a person’s sense of safety, autonomy, and dignity.

Signs of Abuse to Watch For

Here are some common, but not always obvious, signs of abuse in relationships:

1. Emotional & Psychological Abuse

  • Constant criticism, belittling, or mocking

  • Gaslighting: making you doubt your own memory or perception of reality

  • Withholding affection as punishment

  • Using guilt, fear, or shame to control your actions

  • Using the silent treatment to cause harm

  • Manipulation

  • Ruining special moments/holidays/anniversaries as punishment

  • Threatening to hurt your pets or children

2. Isolation

  • Discouraging or preventing you from seeing friends or family

  • Subtly creating false narratives about your loved ones such as, how they aren’t good for you or shouldn’t be trusted

  • Monitoring your communication or location

  • Making you feel guilty for spending time away from them

3. Financial Control

  • Restricting your access to money

  • Forcing you to account for every expense

  • Controlling what you can and cannot spend money on

  • Preventing you from working or sabotaging your job

4. Sexual Coercion

  • Pressuring or forcing sexual acts without consent

  • Dismissing your boundaries or comfort level

  • Using affection as a bargaining tool

  • Wearing you down until you “agree” to participate in sexual acts

5. Digital Abuse

  • Demanding passwords or access to your devices

  • Tracking you through apps or GPS

  • Harassing you online or through text

  • Sending messages to friends/family on your account, without your consent

Why It’s Hard to Recognize

This brings us back to that question of, “but why do they stay?” Abuse often develops gradually. In the beginning phases of the relationship, abusers often “shower” their partners with kind words and gifts, and can present themselves as caring and loving. As time goes on, the abuse may begin with subtle controlling behaviours that escalate over time, making it easy to rationalize or minimize them. Trauma survivors may be particularly vulnerable to normalizing unhealthy dynamics because past experiences likely have skewed their view on what they believe safety and love is.

Here’s What We Want You to Know

It’s not your fault. Abuse is a choice made by the abuser, not a reflection of your worth.

Your nervous system matters. Ongoing abuse can keep your body in survival mode, making decision-making and boundary-setting harder.

Healing is possible. Safety, stability, and supportive relationships can help restore trust in yourself and others.

If You Recognize These Signs

If any of this feels familiar, you are not alone. There are safe ways to explore your next steps:

  • Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or counsellor

  • Call a domestic violence hotline (Canada: 1-866-863-0511)

  • Create a safety plan or seek shelter:

  • Birchway Niagara & Gillian’s Place also offer housing support, short-term counselling, and legal support to those living in the Niagara Region, free of charge.

How Can We Help?

Recognizing abuse can be painful, but it’s also the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self. You deserve relationships where you feel respected, safe, and valued.

If you’re ready to talk about what you’ve been experiencing in a supportive, non-judgmental space, I offer confidential sessions to help you process, heal, and make empowered choices.

Book a free consultation with me here.

Written by: Carly Wedler, RSW

Jenna Fiello
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